1. Show up at the airport early and stake out a seat in a strategic location between the check in counter (which only opens just before the flight) and the stand selling coffee and chai. Do not leave your seat without placing a marker on it (perhaps a book or the more commonly used handkerchief ) as the seat will instantly be taken by a middle aged man, and your husband will be so engrossed in a magazine that he will a) not notice that you have left your seat and b) not notice that it has since been occupied by a middle aged man.
2. Keep an eye on the check in counter so that you notice when the attendants arrive and are able to get in line in front of the jostling crowds. When it is your turn, hand your bag to the man whose sole job it is to take the bag from your hand and place it on the scale, thereby saving you the little stretching motion required to place it on the scale yourself. A prime example of the value of labour in India.
3. Make sure that prior to going to the check in counter you wander around the airport looking for the correct baggage check machine (one of many, make sure to watch for the discrete sign with the name of your airline). Get your baggage scanned here BEFORE preceding to the check in counter. This saves you waiting for your turn at the counter and then being told that you must first get your baggage scanned, and then having to get back into line behind the afore mentioned jostling crowds.
4. Walk with your carry on baggage to the departure gate. When the security guard informs you that you are not permitted to enter the area yet for no apparent reason, take a nearby seat. Repeat this step about every 15 min until you are allowed into the departure gate.
5. Place your carry on luggage on the scanning machine and walk through the metal detector into the curtained box to receive a thorough frisking. Make sure that you remove all pocket knives from your bags so that you do not have to repeat steps 2 - 5 again.
6. You will now be in a small holding area with limited seating where ALL domestic flights depart from. Attempt to find a seat by watching for people that carelessly forget to adhere to the advice in step one. Use your carry on bag to save a seat for your husband while he is dealing with the pocket knife issue. You may be pressured into giving up his seat to a middle aged woman.
7. Now use all your senses very carefully. There are no announcements from this holding area, and it is truly a mystery knowing when your flight is boarding. Watch for the people in blue uniforms who walk around calling out the destination names and keep a close eye on the exit doors. Better yet pay particular attention to the colour of your boarding pass and find some other people with the same one. When they begin to move towards the doors, go with them.
8. Upon arriving at these doors with several hundred other people you may realize that there are 2 different colours of boarding passes. This means there are two different airlines going to the same destination at roughly the same time. The people in blue will begin yelling out the name of the airline that is boarding first and asking those on the other flight to step aside. You may shuffle several steps but RESIST the urge to move any farther and do not even consider the notion of sitting down again.
9. Instead begin what we like to call the "weazling" process. While the other flight is slowly moving through the doors, subtly jockey for position by stepping ever so carefully to the right or left and always forward thereby increasing your chances of getting through the door first. If you stay still and entertain the silly notion of an orderly line, you will be at the very end.
10. The instant you hear your flight being called by the people at the door, PUSH. Pay no attention to the frailty of that elderly man beside you. It is all an act. If you show any sign of weakness he will elbow you and run his suitcase on wheels over your feet. PUSH. You will feel something like a noodle being run through a pasta maker, but eventually you will find yourself through the door and in front of the bus that takes you to the airplane.
11. Board the bus and follow the lead of all the other people already on board. Stand as close as possible to the doors. Do not move to the empty seats as the other foreigners are doing. Stay at the doors.Yes it will be crowded and uncomfortable but this achieves two purposes. First, it ensures that you are among the first to get off the bus. Secondly, it tricks the blue uniform people standing outside the poorly lit bus into thinking the bus is full and waving it along.
12. As you approach the plane, take a moment to reflect on the bus in front of yours. Notice as the doors slowly open that people are clutching their bags and running. Do not be alarmed. This is simply part of the procedure. Take the next 30 seconds to plan a strategy with your spouse. Decide who is the better sprinter. Allow this person the spot closer to the door and take his or her carry on baggage. When the doors open, run. Run like you have never run before - past the huffing and puffing old man with his suitcase on wheels and the couple screaming at their 5 year old son to move faster. If you are the partner with both pieces of luggage may want to take this moment to cheer on your spouse at the top of your lungs.
13. Race up the stairs into plane and look for an empty seat. Ignore the people pushing on your back. You are in front of them and therefore entitled to a spot first. Aim for the more popular seats at the front of the plane.The first one on the plane needs to save a seat for your spouse. A book or the more commonly used handkerchief can be used for this purpose.
1 comment:
Wow - what great team work for a newly married couple. Well done!! But... did you take a breath for long enough to see what happened to the people who didn't play the game and join the fray?? Were there people who were turned away at the door of the plane due to over-booking? or was all the jostling simply to get the best seat for a mere one-hour flight? Have you become paranoid from too many train and bus journeys in too short a period of time? Are you obsessed with joining the culture and "doing as the Romans"? Do you need decompressing? counselling? massage? gentle music? I prescribe at least a week on the beach where you do not travel by anything more exotic than a bicycle. Please stay out of heavy traffic and resist the use of your bell. Maintain your dignity at all costs. And report back on your behaviour on the next major boarding of a transportation device. All the best - LOL!!
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